Demeler
by Dazzling
Summary: Syd POV; Shortfic; spoilers for 'Salvation' - "I think I loved him in that fleeting moment."


author: dazzling 

email: glitter_and_glam@hotmail.com 

disclaimer: the show is jj abrams', the lyrics are lifehouse's 

syd pov, reflection, one parter, shippy as usual, spoilers for 'salvation' 

**demeler **

_*And how can I stand here with you _

_And not be moved by you? _

_Would you tell me how could it be _

_Any better than this?* _

"Vaughn, can I tell you something?" 

I think I loved him in that fleeting moment. In amongst the escalated fear for our lives and the sins of our parents, despite protocol and rules and predetermined everythings, I loved him. Maybe it was the thought of losing yet another man I cared about that forced me to see it, or maybe it had been building up inside of me forever and it was only then that I acknowledged it. 

He focused his eyes on me, the slight trace of a smile tugging his lips up, and gave me his undivided attention. Now there was a feeling I was more accustomed to with him. In all my life, he is only the second man to make me feel like I'm his whole world when I'm around him. It's a feeling I cherish, but cannot return. The men in my world get threatened and hurt and killed. In times like this, the few ephemeral instants when nothing else matters, he is all I think about. But I can't afford to have those instants too often. 

*_ I want to feel you, I need to hear you*_

He was still looking at me, his gaze burning into mine, and for a second, I was terrified that he knew exactly what I was thinking. And then I wondered if that would necessarily be a bad thing. I'd always known that I was more than just an agent to him. And the more I thought about it, in that moment, the more I loved him just then, the more I wanted him to know. Not that I was in love with him…I wasn't there yet. But that when I'm not thinking about the mess that is my day-to-day life, I'm thinking about him. 

His stare broke me, though, and words and thoughts that had been about to bubble over were swallowed back down. Yeah, I think I loved him then. Loved that he was the one who could comfort me when nothing else could. Loved that all that he did was with my safety and well being in mind. Loved that he was him. But the longer I took to say it, the longer he stared, the more the need to tell him died away. 

And then the doctor walked in and any remnants of a perfect second in time were shattered. We sat up, my words were seemingly forgotten, and I didn't let myself steal another glance at him as the doctor informed me that I was healthy, fine, and free to go. If I had have, perhaps those feelings would have risen to the surface again and I wouldn't have been able to help pouring them out. 

*_You are the strength that keeps me walking* _

He was sick. There were abnormalities in his test. That thought overtook my brain for a second, and I couldn't stop myself from looking worriedly at him. There was more dialogue that I didn't hear, and a question that I didn't comprehend asking. And then I stood up. I wanted to stay with him in that doubting time, to return the favour he had offered me a dozen times, but I didn't. I stood up, nearly crying when he lied that he'd be fine, agreeing when he told me to attend my father's trial, and choking out a goodbye that I didn't want to give. Not then. 

The first man I truly loved was killed for that crime. I couldn't let that happen to the man who was potentially the second. So I remained silent, the moment gone, and allowed myself only a lingering look at my handler through the before walking out of the room. Maybe I do love him, and maybe that one moment wasn't so fleeting after all. Maybe I was just caught up in the thought of one or both of us dying. But in that second, that moment, I think that I loved him with everything that I am. And that's enough for now. 

*_Cause you're all I want; you're all I need _

_You're everything, everything _

_You're all I want; you're all need _

_You're everything, everything.* _

**fin **

demeler: to untangle 

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